Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
Approximately 1 in 4 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.
We do not want anyone go through this loss just to learn how common it is. It is unfortunately, a very common loss worldwide: 1 in 4.
October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
Until experiencing our own losses as a couple I was not aware of how many families grieve in silence. In October of 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as a time to recognize the losses that so many parents experience around the United States and the World.
“When a Child losses a parent they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses their partner they are widowed. When parents lose their child there is not a word to describe them… simply that they are still parents. – President Ronald Reagan”
Considering we are so quick to touch a pregnant woman’s tummy… as a society, we are bad about recognizing and talking about this type of loss. Pregnancy is a package of emotions, expectations, dreams, and visions of a family’s future. Just as you have emotionally wrapped your mind around this life being your responsibility you then have to wrap your mind around saying goodbye. Say goodbye to someone that you only knew of what you imagined them to be and what their future would have held. We all have different beliefs on when life begins. I believe though that even the smallest of our losses at 8 weeks pregnant still has a soul waiting to meet us someday.
We are blessed beyond our own beliefs with our two healthy, energetic, smart, naughty, opinionated girls. They keep us busy and fill our hearts and our time. So much so that I will admit I do not often think of our 3 babies in Heaven. Writing this though brings back a flood of emotions and memories of those times. I can remember vividly the physical and emotional pain that these losses caused. As humans we always try to find some reason amidst a sad time to get ourselves through it. As Christians we often tell ourselves that it was all part of God’s plan. As much as I believe that I hate hearing it. It’s overused. Why would it be part of God’s plan to let parents endure the loss of a child? Regardless of what your answer is to that… our losses were a part of our story. They made us who we are today and yes… part of Gods plan.
Waiting to share the news… our first pregnancy was not expected. (Yes. I do know how babies are made) We were not ready and it was difficult news to share with our families. My ideal plan did not include getting pregnant before we were married. We went through the process of telling those close to us. Tears were shed. Awkward moments proceeded… Soon though came the spark of excitement, the planning, and the dreaming. Wedding plans continued to ensue as we had come to accept the unexpected. And then… I knew something was wrong. We soon found ourselves in the Doctor’s office laying there in silence and bewilderment. There was no now familiar sound of a heartbeat. Are you kidding me right now God? Yes. You can ask it. Do I wish I wouldn’t have had to even have all those awkward discussions with parents, grandmas, uncles, and brothers? You know it. Just when we felt at peace with this new life it went away. It still hurts today!
This was yet another piece to our story that Tom and I both say “I never thought this would happen to us”. Little did we know our 11 years together has provided many more of those life-learning moments.
We got married and enjoyed the beginning of our lives together with just the two of us. A year or so later we were ready to start a family. We shared the news right away of our second pregnancy. I was nervous at first because of the pain that we had endured with our first. What we realized though is that telling those close to us would be important especially if we lost another baby. We were blessed to have a healthy pregnancy and now a healthy 8 years old. A new house, deployment and some other major life events and almost two years we decided to try for our second child. We experienced two more pregnancy losses trying to have our second child, now a healthy 5 years old. Each time we were hesitant to share with too many people. It’s a gut wrenching conversation to have when you have to back track and tell of your loss to those you shared your joyful news with. Through each loss, those who we shared this experience with helped us through the difficult time. I do not regret telling them right away. Even though this caused each of us pain, we now all share in the joy and appreciate our girls and each other even more.
I found out there were so many others who had experienced various types of pregnancy loss… once you start to share your experiences of loss your realize how many around you have navigated the same or similar situations.
It also made us recognize the various types of loss. We were blessed enough to be able to get pregnant even if it meant we lost three of them. I also think it is important to recognize another form of loss, in those who cannot get pregnant. They also experience loss. It is the loss of what they envisioned their house to be during the holidays. The future birthdays, and eventually sending them off to face the World with all the life lessons you instilled in them. Not being able to be pregnant means, you have to either begin the journey to being at peace with this or looking at the various other avenues to be parents. All of which come with an abundance of potential difficulty and hopefully future joy.
There is also the loss of what you pictured a healthy baby’s life to be like. Finding out during pregnancy that your child will not function “normally” means the loss of some of the dreams you may have had for them. Those that carry that beautiful life inside them… They endure the highs and lows of being pregnant and have to experience the life altering pain of still born. Or a child that they carried knowing full well that it will not be able to survive outside of you. Please know that I realize there are more types of losses than mentioned. My heart goes out to all mothers, mothers to be, mothers at heart, and mothers who have babies in Heaven that have experienced any kind of emptiness due to loss.
Last thing I want to note is that, People say stupid things….and sometimes nothing at all.
Do you know of someone currently recovering from a loss? Here is an article discussing how you can respond to them with compassion.
Since we are a society that does not talk much about this subject, it has the potential to make parents feel they need to forget about. I think taking time during the month of October specifically on October 15, is important to bring light to those families who have endured a loss and open up our dialogue on this very common loss of life.
Peace of Hope is another local organization that provides support to women who are grieving the loss of their baby. Peace of Hope creates custom care packages at no charge. If you or someone you know would benefit from this sentimental gift and support system you can visit their Facebook Page or email them directly at bvdk2310@gmail.com.
Additionally, if you are currently struggling with a loss of a pregnancy or an infant, you can visit the Mend Organization to find helpful information and support near you and you can always contact our office.
